Thursday, May 21, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I am kind of a reserved person in a way that I will not talk about my confrontations with my in laws with anyone until I am comfortable. No matter how universal this is, I am like that.
So coming back to the topic, my dream right now is to have a friend. A friend who is like me, working, with family. Someone who wants to leave the child with the father and want to go for a movie with friend (here obviously I expect me to be the friend)2-3 times in a year or may be go for a walk or hair cut together but not with family and thinks that there is nothing wrong doing that.
I have friends, friends with kids, with no kids, friends who are single but no one is my dream friend. Someone who will not keep talking about children when we meet.
I was thinking this should not be too much to expect but as I now realise its too much expection.
I don't need to go out clubbing, just watch a movie, come back home at a decent time.
Don't keep on talking about kids, have some other conversation.
Don't create a goody goody picture of your family but talk about the fight with spouse, tensions with in laws, politics, books etc.
It's too much to ask but its my dream.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Right after I got my first paycheck, I started saving it. That time I was not married so although I spent a lot, I saved a lot too. I got married to a husband who had exact same thing at his home. He also saw save save and save more at his home.
Now that both of us earn, not a lot yet but still comfortable to buy a lot of stuff, we are still same. Save save and save. As we are married, we can make our own decisions about everything including money. Still for each thing I feel like buying at the big mall, first I ask myself, is the price worth for the thing I want to buy. On most occasions I feel no, its too expensive. Frustrated my husband asks 'Do you want everything free?' 'Why not? If they are ready to give' I answer. Second question I ask myself 'Do I really need this?' Answer to this is always 'NO'. Third obvious question is 'Then why buy it?' So I end up not buying it. And repeat this like a 1000 times.
Then once in a while after seeing everyone around me spending, enjoying shopping, I get frustrated. Here is what happens then
What if I spend some money on shopping?
Is it going to dramatically affect the bank balance?
If I do not spend, will it make me rich?
If I buy a shirt I like at the mall, wouldn't that make me feel good?
But then why don't I buy?
Because the pleasure I will get buying the shirt is not worth $30.
I will feel more bad for spending money than the pleasure of buying.
Will I ever change?
Even when I have a million dollars?
May be what I do for $30 I will do same for $3000.
But I won't spend.
And do what
SAVE SAVE and SAVE.
Each time when I am stuck in traffic, I have tried different things. I change lane to a supposedly faster moving lane which stops moving right after I enter the lane. I tried not changing lanes at all. I tried to stay in just one lane what ever it is that day, the left most, the middle or the right most. But my lane always moved the slowest. Its not just just feeling, I spot some car with some sticker or different color and try to see how it moves and the OTHER car is always moving faster and I keep thinking how can I make the same mistake each morning?
Friday, February 6, 2009
After getting married many times there is a conflict going on in my mind about various decisions I need to take. There are some things that I love to do as wife, some I need to do, some I have to do, whether I like them or not. There are some other things that I need to do for myself, things that I love to do and so need to for myself. Many of these things are related to career and balance between career and family. To add to this there are always people telling you, with authority, what you should do with your life. What is good and what not as per 'conventional wisdom'. I feel especially bothered by those unwanted messages and advices by unwanted people. The people who just talk or advice and are never ready to listen to me, the in-laws, extended family, arrogent friends(?). I understand that I should not give attention to all these people, but it is hard to delete all those thoughts. May be because I am not very strong.
So in these days of conflict I came across this. It was in some radio program on NPR. I define myself by what I think I am not by what others think I should be.
This really helps to resolve at least some of those conflicts.