Saving...???

I was born and brought up in typical middle class Indian family. We always had good food to eat, everyone in family will get new clothes on birthdays, and for festivals like Diwali. Once in a while a new dress for say a dance performance for annual day at school was not a surprise. But that was rare. On most occasions all participants in dance will try to manage with clothes and other things at hand. I also remember a couple of times my father totally refused to buy something that was required for such an extracurricular activity. I cried and cried but he never gave up. Being in a middle class surrounding I am sure whatever I was asking for was not expensive. So the point I want to make here is that although I had a happy childhood, my parents never bought a lot of things for me and my sister. We saw at home not to spend a lot. Save save and save.
Right after I got my first paycheck, I started saving it. That time I was not married so although I spent a lot, I saved a lot too. I got married to a husband who had exact same thing at his home. He also saw save save and save more at his home.
Now that both of us earn, not a lot yet but still comfortable to buy a lot of stuff, we are still same. Save save and save. As we are married, we can make our own decisions about everything including money. Still for each thing I feel like buying at the big mall, first I ask myself, is the price worth for the thing I want to buy. On most occasions I feel no, its too expensive. Frustrated my husband asks 'Do you want everything free?' 'Why not? If they are ready to give' I answer. Second question I ask myself 'Do I really need this?' Answer to this is always 'NO'. Third obvious question is 'Then why buy it?' So I end up not buying it. And repeat this like a 1000 times.
Then once in a while after seeing everyone around me spending, enjoying shopping, I get frustrated. Here is what happens then
What if I spend some money on shopping?
Is it going to dramatically affect the bank balance?
No
If I do not spend, will it make me rich?
No
If I buy a shirt I like at the mall, wouldn't that make me feel good?
Yes.
But then why don't I buy?
Because the pleasure I will get buying the shirt is not worth $30.
I will feel more bad for spending money than the pleasure of buying.
Will I ever change?
No
Even when I have a million dollars?
No
May be what I do for $30 I will do same for $3000.
But I won't spend.
And do what
SAVE SAVE and SAVE.

Traffic and rush hour

Every morning when I am driving to my work I keep thinking Why do I drive at the same time each morning when I know the road is busy?Why its so impossible to leave early every day even after so much frustration each morning by the time I reach my workplace? Why is it called rush hour when no one is moving anywhere fast?
Each time when I am stuck in traffic, I have tried different things. I change lane to a supposedly faster moving lane which stops moving right after I enter the lane. I tried not changing lanes at all. I tried to stay in just one lane what ever it is that day, the left most, the middle or the right most. But my lane always moved the slowest. Its not just just feeling, I spot some car with some sticker or different color and try to see how it moves and the OTHER car is always moving faster and I keep thinking how can I make the same mistake each morning?

Conflict

After getting married many times there is a conflict going on in my mind about various decisions I need to take. There are some things that I love to do as wife, some I need to do, some I have to do, whether I like them or not. There are some other things that I need to do for myself, things that I love to do and so need to for myself. Many of these things are related to career and balance between career and family. To add to this there are always people telling you, with authority, what you should do with your life. What is good and what not as per 'conventional wisdom'. I feel especially bothered by those unwanted messages and advices by unwanted people. The people who just talk or advice and are never ready to listen to me, the in-laws, extended family, arrogent friends(?). I understand that I should not give attention to all these people, but it is hard to delete all those thoughts. May be because I am not very strong.

So in these days of conflict I came across this. It was in some radio program on NPR. I define myself by what I think I am not by what others think I should be.

This really helps to resolve at least some of those conflicts.